Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I would really like to be without you
even though it would be as torturous as digging my organs inside out.

I wish you needed me more than I needed you,
then I wouldn't be so miserable trying to feel if you bothered about me at all.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to test if you will do fine without me.
And it will prick me to know that if I left you, you'd just find someone to replace me,
like how I replaced the others before me.

I find life is a competition for me to just be better than the ones before although I'm not but I pretend to be so you would think I am and sometimes I get so tired of pretending I become outrageously unreasonable and I cant find a reason to explain myself other than I love you so much which makes no sense to me because I hate you for being able to be so cruel to me and yet fall asleep.

So I don't want to need you anymore unless you're willing to love me and tolerate me and not ever shout at me because you know I am afraid to lose you but you are not afraid to lose me so it makes it unfair to be with you sometimes.

Sometimes I want to hurt myself so I can see if you are worried about me because when I'm emotionally upset you do not give a damn about me. And sometimes i wish I would die so you would finally cry over me, but I cannot stand the thought of you getting over me eventually so I don't wish that anymore.

I wish we could go back to when our relationship was not stable and I did not belong to you. Because at least then you'd try harder to make me yours. And you would not get angry with me for needing you too much because you haven't got sick of me yet. And I wish everyday was the first day we met so you would ask me if I'm okay if I cry, or if i wanted to lean on you, you wouldn't get annoyed with me.

And if I cant make things the way i want them to be, I do not want to be with you even though it hurts me. But you hurt me more than it hurts not being with you. So I am sorry for being so unreasonable and not turn out to be who you thought I was. So maybe then you would think twice that Im not the one for you and that I am also suicidal and crazy like Anna. I'm sorry.

Im also sorry you are the only one I have broken up with. I don't have a reason for that but it might be because you never want to break up with me and that seems like the only way that would affect you but then again i don't think you are affected anymore because now you really do not mind breaking up with me because I'm young and stupid and immature and I frustrate you too much.

Im sorry.